It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
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The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
*mops up wine with cat*
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.