I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
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Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Time heals everything 🙂
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
This sounds bad:
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.