Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
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I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Oh the world we live in…
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Gods work.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down