“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
You Might Also Like
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Twitter remains undefeated
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”