Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
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A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!