January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
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ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Best mom ever 😂
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen