The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
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Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive