If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
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My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name