I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
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There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*