Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
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May never get over this
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now