“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
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I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”