idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
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Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
A ghost story
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…