6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
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My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Knock Knock
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.