My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
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Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Worth a try
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
an octopus is just a wet spider
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.