a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
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*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I鈥檓 serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Couldn鈥檛 find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
馃檹馃従
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Very good news from my accountant
Laughing far too much 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom鈥檚 motto.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That鈥檚 not a Twitter account. It鈥檚 a group text.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”