I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
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[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Just a bush.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?