My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
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God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.