Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
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Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
definitely did not do anything wrong
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes