*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
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Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
I love the National Park Service.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
a badder mouse
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.