[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
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When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
I think I’m having a stroke
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.