Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
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I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Friday
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.