Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
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All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Lol.