Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
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Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Stop.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Wise advice
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.