One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
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I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…