Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
You Might Also Like
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Body by sandwich.
Brands during Pride
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
❤️🦆
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.