My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
You Might Also Like
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Breaking news:
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.