It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
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HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.