Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
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I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)