Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
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If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.