art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
You Might Also Like
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
My dog learned how to text
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall