Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
You Might Also Like
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
did it work
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
I’m good, thanks.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets