oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
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My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…