How to properly lift a body
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Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs