Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
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I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Love this one 😂🧟
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book