My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
You Might Also Like
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Yoga Matt
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
PLEASE READ
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’