[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
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Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry