DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
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Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
It’s a gift
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.