Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
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Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Donkey Kong sommelier
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again