[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
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Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
🙂🐾
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
are there any atheist mantises?
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes