girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
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Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade