How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
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Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
shampoo implies shampee
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
How does one answer this?
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.