*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
You Might Also Like
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on