Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
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Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Not even remotely sorry.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”