Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
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interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
eggs benadryl
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.