If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
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I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
remember
only for emergencies
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”