You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
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Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*