The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
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I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.