Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
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The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Put my back out twerking in the library again
this is the best interaction on twitter
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake