I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
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Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened