[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
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7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!